Ann Landers: The Thinking Man's Art Buchwald
by mark simple
96dec23

A recent Ann Landers column (December 16th) centered around reader's responses to another reader's suggestion to come up with "a signal of apology when [a motorist] goofs." [memo to myself: invent innovative human-interest/advice column that will encourage large reader interaction so I can sit on my butt all day and be a conversational conduit for the clueless masses] Most of the ten suggestions come from backwater towns like Nescopeck, Pennsylvania [you know, the state where they STOP at the end of the freeway on-ramp, waiting for a good time to merge in at 15mph]. Here's the creme de la stupid: From Pompano Beach, Florida: "Open your window and tap the top of your car roof with your hand. It works for me." ["Come in, the door's open...oh, that's me"] From Atlanta, Georgia: "I think the universal gesture for surrender, or forgiveness, is to smile and raise both arms, palms outward. Of course, if your car is still moving, you should only do this for a brief second." [This NBC Olympic Moment brought to you by PFG Safety Glass] From Waco, Texas: [fill-in-blank quiz: The _____ from Waco] "I suggest the natural gesture children use - place the flat of your hands against your cheeks. I've done this several times, and people always wave their acceptance. In fact, I've had to do it so often that I'm working on paying better attention to my driving." From Florissant, Missouri: [population: -37] "The perfect hand signal is the military salute. It's simple, everybody knows how to do it and it shows respect for the other driver." From Kilgore, Texas: "Move your index finger back and forth across your neck - as if you are cutting your throat. The message is clear." The message is clear, indeed. "I'm going to kill you." Can you imagine getting into one accident with all of these idiots? One salutes you, one's about to put their hands through the glass, another's banging on the roof, still another turns into Macaulay Culkin, and the last one wants to slit your throat. These are the people that read Ann Landers - and they're all raving nut cases. I wonder if she sells her mailing list to marketers, this is the very definition of psychographics in action. My answer to all of this: never apologize. I will also share with you the way I signal someone when they've made a mistake: wave while sporting a sickening-sweet smile. Additionally, if they've pulled out too far in an intersection as I pass, I give them "Doppler Horn" - blow your horn long enough that they get the Doppler effect. Hold it down even longer during the holidays - "Christmas Doppler Horn." Or I just smash into them. This is my way of showing respect for the other driver. "That Ann Landers, man, that was powerful." -- Todd Ronan Capsule Review, Ann Landers Slagfest

[ home | archive | archive ]