HI RUBE! Candy and Toy packaging. Unknown manufacturer/date.

LAZY PEON fresh avocado pears trademark Cal-Royal Co., Inc., 1942.

Michael Reeves: I Built a Car out of Scooters [17min].

I have blathered about Uncharted 4: .... before. This is more blathering. There are spoilers.

You play as a young Nate you (like Tomb Raider: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Repatriation!) in two extended sequences that go on way, way too long. One sequence: find mom’s book in a box in someone else’s house. Look through six boxes? Seven? It’s not: click the box and it’s not that box. It’s: click the box, Nate Jr. leans down to pull the box forward, opens the box, reaches in the box, grabs the book out of the box, and then you have flip the book over to see if it’s not mom’s book six times, then it’s mom’s book the seventh time. Thrilling gameplay. Everything during Nate Jr. sequences, you think “annnnd right here, obviously a cut scene.” No, you have to play those bits.

Somehow with this playthrough I was able to avoid the entire Crash Bandicootery Going-Toward-The-Screen Dethtruk® sequence. I have no idea how. “Darn.” There was a sequence in which you were required to shoot at the Dethtruk® but I had already dropped four grenades neatly on top of the Dethtruk® (the Dethtruk® gets stuck a lot (it’s scripted) so you can jump around all panicky) and one of the characters did the thing they do in Uncharted Four and probably other games, and yelled out that something isn’t working to your character/you. Both for the grenades, and shooting at the Dethtruk® while it was stuck. But if you don’t shoot at the DethTruk® in the specific Dethtruk®-chasing-you sequence you automatically die. Put A Stick About: don’t train me to not do something then require it to move forward, especially if it’s a do-or-die extended quicktime event. [later] Spoke too soon. Ridiculous Dethtruk®-going-toward-screen sequence is late in the game.

Old man in rocking chair, surrounded by wide-eyed children: And that’s why ... you never shoot at the Dethtruk®. [SFX: chimes; revving] Oh hold on, that’s the door.

Hope you like finding/manuevering big crates around. I mean, it’s the same crate every time what feels like 10x+. Areas untouched for hundreds of years, modern-looking crate with casters sitting in a corner, drawing little circles in the dusty ground with its caster foot all sheepish-like. “Aw gawrsh, you found me. Maybe ... maybe I can help you ...”

Below: Nate can’t shoot the red cap enemy from that angle. Nate can’t move over because Sam is in the way. The red cap enemy can’t shoot Nate. The red cap enemy doesn’t move. Sam wouldn’t shoot the red cap enemy. It was a very rare odd détente.

In my overly-long review I was grousing about one of the jailbreaks in which my character was slow-walking, so I had to “combat roll” through the whole sequence to move a little faster. Turns out: you can walk slowly, or quickly. There’s a button toggle. It’s in the menu. Somehow I missed it, and apparently accidentally turned it on during one sequence, then accidentally turned it off (or it reset w/completion of the segment). I are elite games reviewerperson. Point in my favor: the key is well-positioned for accidental triggering. That trigger is not going to be used that often, yet they put it right next to the heavily-used “drop/disengage” key.

Similarly I whined about the sub-par “tap a key repeatedly” mechanic in the previous “review.” Turns out (again) there’s a setting for that. It’s in “Options/Accessibility”: there’s a toggle to change “hit key rapidly to move bookcase/struggle against guard” etc to “hold down key.” That option should have also been in the controls menu. [pause] [sigh] [looks] It’s in the controls menu, right at top. “Complete minigames by either tapping the prompt button rapidly or holding it down.” HAHAAHAHH “MINIGAMES” ... Struggling to open a door/move a bookcase is a MINIGAME? So anyway, I totally missed the minigame rappy-tap toggle setting.

Below: Trapped on rock face, enemies in half-circle, shooting, sniping, dropping grenades every 30 seconds. Enemies chucking grenades in huge arcs, landing repeatedly in the same exact spot where you’re holding on to the ledge. Out of bullets. The game sets up these sort of scenarios with paltry looting. Really encouraging run-and-gun while Nate’s bullet allergy calls for a more “hole up and double down on strategy” angle. Sometimes you just have to let go of the ledge and start again.

Skimmed a review that said companions did an “excellent job of staying out of enemy sightlines.” My garbage capsule review here reads: “the exact opposite of that.” If it’s coverage behind walls/desks/etc, too often they will be on the wrong side. It wasn’t a worry, that’s 100% cosmetics and doesn’t affect gameplay. Enemies will not “spot” allies at all, nor can they kill allies (though once one was yelling “help me” and such while being assaulted by an enemy while I was busy hiding on another level; “Eh, they’ll figure it out” and they figured it out). So no reason to care, let them play with Dethtruk™. Other side of the coin, allies are good about taking down enemies while stealthing in tall grass. I was going to leave a session AFK for laughs to see if an ally could take down a whole segment of enemies but then realized they introduce waves in stages. First you see one-six guys, your ally will spot/generate an additional one or two. Start shooting, they’ll mix in two-ten more, depending. But there will (most always) be more that have a more distant patrol route, so no stealthing 100% in one place.

Shootouts have great settings but most of the time the game boxes you into a corner w/inadequate cover, then ten guys start hitting you with snipers/grenades/shotguns etc all at the same time (on “moderate” difficulty). “For cover, we’ve arranged for a single shabby wooden bo ‒ never mind.”

It feels like 1/4 of the should-be-headshots are not headshots, even with the low-level unprotected melon types. Saw a quick thing w/someone mentioning off-center hitboxes. Haven’t looked for any other accounts.

The only additional thing to say about the giant long strings of climbing/parkouring chunks is that I’m not sure I realized last time that your character is able to reach for specific ledges etc depending on the camera angle. Odd choice, I would have went with “depending on what was available to actually successfully grab when reached for,” but again, I’m not a game designer. “I can’t reach that OH I know, I’ll change my camera angle, there, now I can reach for it.” It’s a weird focus shift. The actor becomes the director to be the actor.

Wait, one more thing. Is it fun to look for a handhold over and over and over and over and over and over and over? Maybe that’s the problem with combining cinema with gameplay, cinema is always going win the non-repetitive award.

[cut scene] Harrowing plane crash into ocean. Protagonists struggle to survive. Days floating on wreckage. Near death, but everyone is rescued by the Bob-Lo boat.
[gameplay] Look for ledges. Press Q to rope. Shoot enemies.
[cut scene] Pirate ship collapses amongst protagonists, slides down mountain. Pirate ship explodes. Mountain explodes. Air explodes. Fermi collects on bet, pumps fist: “Yesssss.”
[gameplay] Look for ledges. Press Q to rope. Look for ledges. Shoot enemies. Find ledges. Examine area: for ledges. Ledges (y/N)? Shoot ledges. Collect ledges for “high score.” Press Q to open Bates box and find ledger.

The final forced melee with Rob Schneider, had forgotten how long it was. Became tedious, especially because gameplay forces “breathers” so Rob can tell you how awful you are. You can’t just ... attack. Everything is scripted. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Okay, there’s a prompt to hit F to attack. And again, and again. Okay now Rob is swinging left, you can block it .... oh you barely missed blocking the shot Rob has sliced you. Rob needs to be angry some more here. Okay, he’s done talking. Here comes another attack. Okay I guess you can hit F again now to attack. JFC, my mind drifted off, thinking about go-carts or something. Switched game mode from “moderate” to “story only” so it just runs through the sequences and you do not die. I have nothing for jeers for melee in general. [FX: jeers] But this is an additional layer of cruft you cannot break through. Melee with openings for attack every ... 20-40 seconds. Melee Waltz w/prompts. La la LA PRESS la la LA PRESS la la LA PRESS. A traditional dance, long in the tooth, past its prime.

The epilogue is still somehow wonderful. Mostly because ... short? Passage of time? Short? Doesn’t overstay its welcome? Not long? Probably the short thing. No crates to move n times. No Bates boxes to press E to open m times. No dramatic climbing to open a door to be able to open more Bates boxes.

[side note about the DLC when characters learn horrible thing is about to happen and then spend an absolutely plot-breaking amount of time discussing it (“I’m going to go.” “No you should go. I’ll stay. You stay. She’ll go. We should all go. No, I’ll stay, and go. Should I go now?” Player [slowly crushing controller in hands]: “Take your time, the lives of thousands of fake people are in danger. No worries. Sleep on it.”) deleted for brevity (too late)]

What is fun, to me, is to bend/break rules of a game or just mess around. There aren’t that many opportunities with this title. Much like the DLC, I enjoyed driving the protagonists off a cliff shortly after the start of a drive-and-talk sequence. Repeatedly. “You know, Nate, we never AHHHHHHHHHHHHH” “You know, Nate, we never got to talk about the time wh ‒ OH GOD NOOOOOOOOO” Sometimes a tire flew off. One time the car blew up in mid-air just after it went over the edge, that was a head-scratcher. Told the rental place it was “engine trouble.” As mentioned before, the DLC has an achievement specifically for driving off a cliff. The only other thing I can think of is shining a flashlight in the face of allies. They squint. [SFX: party favor favors] This all reminds me of Tom Walker exploring the gamespace of Red Faction Guerilla Re-Mars-tered [16min].

But the whole Libertalia thing, that was fantastic/al lore, completely from the minds of Naughty Dog who really knocked it out ... of --- WHAT. Well, I guess A General History of Thee Pyrates And Such #arr is on my reading list (Libertalia is mentioned in Volume II along w/apparently, three fictional pirates). “The pirates were against the authoritarian institutions of their day, including monarchies, slavery, institutional religion, and the abuses associated with wealth.” Mmm. Well good luck to them, too many people seem to want a king/daddy illegal hoarding fiend. “He’s just like me.” When I get my time machine fixed back up I’ll file a Liberta[t/l]ia report w/the Universal Time Administrative offices. Or maybe I already have. It gets/will get/has already become confusing.

Not Just Bikes: This Might Just Be the World’s Best Metro System [30min].

I’ve been bipping through a second run through of Uncharted Four: The Fourth Chart Is Also Missing because there’s no new open world games out there (though Uncharted is more of a explore-on-rails linear thing) in which you play as a somewhat normal person doing somewhat plausible somewhat-normal things and you’re not carrying an ironing-board sword and numbers don’t fly out of the heads of enemies when you hit them and there are not “combos” nor zombies nor monsters and maybe there never will be another game of this type. That isn’t set in Florida. Anyway. Uncharted has a heavy piratical theme and I started thinking about pirates and pirating then I thought about Talk Like A Pirate Day and codes and Morse Code. Turns out there is a Morse Code Day, April 27th. So let’s all Write In Morse Code on Morse Code Day. You have some time to prepare.

“Wow no additional complaints about Uncharted after that first grindfest?” Yeah that’s a separate post, coming up, don’t you fret little one.

2girls1bottl3: Yepoda ad [1min].

looks like the Sex Organs called it quits in june ... this is their cover of “Drowning” by The Gories [2min].

“Stay sexy – we’ll be watching…”

you got it, Sex Organs

I got some filini because it was on sale, figured I’d hate it and needed the laugh but it’s a fun little variant on my pasta meals (baseline “normal” now is either half spag/rig or 50% spag/rig, 50% filini, plus occasional dips into weirdness w/sales other than bucatini; fuck bucatini straw fucken bullshit ... also no on any ribbon-ee pasta ... thanks for asking). They’re so tiny. Smol pasta is smol. I have to dial in where to add it to the end of radial heatin’ for my regular pasta but that’s a me problem, you don’t need to worry about that but thank you for your cards and letters and non-helium balloons and non-chocolate candies. I bought enough that I think I’m going to be out nearly on the nose when the shared expiration date drops.

Confidential to De Cecco: Your website does not load at all in LibreWolf, Waterfox, Firefox, Palemoon, Opera, or Opera w/Opera VPN. I bet it works in Chrome. Brilliant, promote your cousin to CTO. I can switch all my pasta gits to Rummo, E-Z.

I don’t know why they put the enlarged photo of filini next to the package like that w/o any sort of zoomie indication, they’re not that big.

jeez that’s big

Five am. There’s a commotion in the street. Sirens, ambulance SCHRONNNNNNK SCHRONK emergency signal, bullhorn yelling. Takes a second to realize ... it’s the jagoff from two days ago.

Perhaps I missed yesterday’s performance.

I applaud the devotion to art, except yeah if we could nudge the time up a little, I have a regular thing.

Defunctland After Dark: Chipotle “Documentary” ads [15min]. Yes, I fortunately see very little in the way of commercials these days but instead of seeing these weird 15-sec Chipotle ads I watched a 15min breezy explainer about said ads. So what. It’s my life. I can do anything I want. [FX: spends three years constructing a 1/16th scale working Métro parisien rapid transit system out of spaghetti] See?

Someone came walking up the street at 5am today. It sounded like they were talking backward, and their footfalls were electronically amplified beatboxing?

[backward talking]
BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
[backward talking]
BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

I encourage this sort of creativity, but please, operating hours only. Luckily, none of the neighborhood’s hair-trigger dogs went on thirty-minute bark alert, valiantly protecting 10x20 patches of concrete from Unidentified Beatboxing Situations.

A poem.

KEEP OFF GRASS
bare piggies touch blades
nanobots enter bloodstream

Cheese in the Home, November 1930, Extension Service of the College of Agriculture, University of Wisconsin. Inner front cover.

Not Just Bikes: Trams are Great! So why are the Streetcars SO BAD!?

There has been a fire at the Museum of Jurassic Technology. For more information from Lawrence Weschler, please read SOS: FIRE AT THE MJT. “The loss in ticket revenue and gift shop sales alone will likely approach $75,000, and then there’s the longterm challenge of refashioning and restocking the shop itself.” To donate please click on “donate,” earlier in this sentence. Thanks to Jon for bringing this to my attention.

The Wheel and cycling trade review, February 18, 1898. Here’s the Highest Gear.

Hanzi: A documentary on Chinese typography [3min]. Hanzi is available on Kanopy which is free if you have a US library card etc.

Hoog: The message NASA wants aliens to see [17min].

Buckeye Manufacturing Company, Hardware & Carriage Specialties, 1898 letterhead (auction).

“You want a logo ... for a door latch?”

“The ‘H.W.’ Door Latch. Yes please. Also The ‘Lightning’ Drain Cleaner, etc. All of it. Single-Tree Key Straps! So many logos!”